Assignment 4 - Dani Fauzi

Like many of my peers, with adolescence came questioning of religion. I live in a religiously conservative home, where I am expected to pray multiple times a day and devote at least 30 minutes every day to reading religious texts. I do not remember an exact point, a watershed moment, where I first felt doubt towards the words of god. But it was in middle school that I began to fall into disbelief. I began to perform my religious duties with increasing begrudgement, calling into question the point of this excessive time dedicated to praising god and remembering him.

At that time in my life I began to question other elements of my identity. I attempted to reconcile religion and those other parts of my identity. Was there a place for me in religion for someone like me? Should I just ignore the hateful rhetoric towards people like me by religious leaders? I floated in a haze of uncertainty, self-loathing, and anger in the fact that I had no answers.

The outcome? I still dunno. I am jealous of my friends who wholeheartedly submit themselves to god, of those who find fulfillment through spirituality and youth groups. A lot of the time I feel ashamed. I feel like an inadequate daughter for my lack of faith.

But I'm only 16 and still young. Maybe adulthood holds for me a future of fulfillment from returning to Islam, or maybe some other religion, maybe one day I’ll somehow find what i've written here and laugh at my teenage insecurity, the doubt I used to have. Or maybe in adulthood I’ll find myself completely and confidently living without god, no longer tethered to my family. Or maybe I’ll still be in the same uncertain rut i’m in today.